One day to go – letter

Hello hello.

My bags are packed. My Uber driver = friend settled. I’m going for the good-bye beer with friends in the evening. I am vaccinated, have visa, checked-in for flights and got sun cream in my hand luggage. I said good-bye to my Mom and dad.

Feelings? Panick went away, too many people told me that snakes are more afraid of people than I am of them.

I AM MAINLY SUPER EXCITED! I’ve never done such an extensive research before any trip and I still feel that everything will surprise me on each step.

Plac Wolnosci, Łódź, Poland

I remember the feeling of fear while flying to Spain for my first live-abroad period. I remember excitement in the bus to Germany. I remember pain in Ryanair to Sweden. And I feel like now I will just experience pure love.

This week was hard. I was saying hellos and goodbyes in the same time. Had a lot to do and arrange, travelled through Poland and ran across the city. Went to all the doctors, survived many examinations and blood tests. I AM FINE.

My heart was broken. As I said before, if it wasn’t for my friends who were there for me in the middle of the night, I would not wake up because my heart and soul were in pieces. I am here and now, I am better and I feel something good and interesting coming.

That’s the reason which I did not acknowledge for long time, but this is why I really go to India! To back off from the first-world-problems, stupid minor things which can destroy our little universes, to get some distance, start to enjoy and love life, stop complaining. This is my goal, this is what I need India, yoga and meditation for.

I will try to give signs of being alive tomorrow during my travel on the fan page.

Peace and love, Zuza

Another step

This idea was on in my mind for some time already… What if I – basing on blog – write a psychological personal guide/book about India? I was thinking of translating all the posts about India to Polish and publishing (at first – in low number) the book in both languages. This can be a challenge, especially translating it (I hope for the help of Bogdan and Beata), finding the editor and marketing (cause for now I do not have anything better than little newspaper shop around the corner on my mind).

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#AE

Another big promise given to myself (didn’t I say that those ones are the easiest to break?) required by my doctor is not to stop writing when I go to India, when I feel worse, when I miss home, when I come back, when autumn comes, when I feel worse again. Just keep writing to have my psychological self-portrait and be able to relate to it in the future – both individually and with specialist.

In October, when I come back to Poland I am planning to keep doing yoga, start playing drums, keep travelling, obviously work on my Bachelor thesis and – surprisingly – come back to my behavioral psychotherapy. I thought it was over, I thought that everything concerning my teenage years and family situation is already behind me. And it partially is, I can perfectly live with it. But there is something new – it means that I am growing up!

Why am I so crazy? Why do I need so many stimuli, adventures, travels, fun, crazy nights to keep running? And when autumn comes and everyone is slightly slower and with less energy, I break apart? I don’t know. Need to figure out. Any idea? Anyone went through something similar?

Can anyone look up to me?

When it comes to me, Ela did not want to criticize me, my writing, opinions or personality, unlike many of my friends (I’m still grateful, girls, that’s a sign of love). Maybe you gain more tolerance or numbness with age?

Anyway – from now on I decided not to write too much about Poland, politics, religion and history, as I am too aggressive and straight-forward in some opinions.

I am a strong independent woman, yes. But in my own world I am also super naïve, trustful and neurotic. I fall in love easily, always say what I think, easily believe people when they just smile to me. For example, last night my heart broke into pieces. And only because of my friends I woke up today.

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I am aspiring to be the voice (prophet or soothsayer are also fine) of my generation. I spend incredibly a lot of time using all the social media: Facebook (private and fan page), Snapchat, LinkedIn, e-mail, weather, sms and calls, WhatsApp, Skype and Dingtone, news, WordPress, Tinder, Pinterest, and all this with Spotify always on in the background. That is why I think that I failed to cross paths with my real destiny – social media management. But on the other hand, today everyone is their own social media manager, better or worse. Anyway – I have my own field of studies and I try to keep it as far from computer as possible.

There is also a thing I am missing recently – ability to write in Polish. Yes, I try to read books in my own language and I talk it (usually with strong slang) very often, but I completely lost the ability to write it decently.

I have already shared it on the fan page but for those who don’t know – I am trying to start some partnerships to start earning money on my blog, that is why I try contacting travel and clothing shops, travel magazines and newspapers. I have recently got an offer of co-writing the article about the match museum and factory in Jonkoping, and that will pay back my cheapest domain for the nearest year 😊

Both of my great Polish teachers – Bogdan and Beata, want to kill me for losing that simple ability, but I do not give up and try to force myself to use more of proper Polish. Confabulate – for example – sounds so terrific! Konfabulować – that is what Ela taught me while talking about blogs, photo-relations, public discussions and other online resources which enable her to prepare for each trip. And she can be sure of liability of the content, as nowadays most of lies online can be easily detected.

To reciprocate

When it comes to babies, I am not the biggest fan. Well, yes, I like them when they are not mine, they are small enough, and I can give them back to their owners… ups, PARENTS, after an hour or two. I was the youngest in my family until I was 12 and then my cousins’ babies were born. There are at least 4 of them and I love them all, but Dominika = Misia especially! She is such a smart, cute, curious, little engineer-to-be! And she is so brave! Well, she recently had a soft brain shake when she tried to separate two boys fighting on school playground… Go, girl! ❤

Nevertheless, I am an only child of an older parents, so I am spoiled as f**k.

I often talk about my tattoos, as they are usually an issues causing many controversies. Many people ask me ‘Aren’t you afraid what will happen when you will get old?’. Well, we will all be old, ugly and fat. Nothing to do about it (ok, maybe just stay always young and beautiful), but I still think that my Grandma would look with tattoos much more cool now, in the age of 87, than without it. The only thing I consider is my next tattoo (I want it in white, but it has to be in the place which is not subjected to sun, as white ink can go yellow) is what shape can still look good while changing shape, as I want to do it on a breast. Any idea?

Another issue is my body. I am not allergic to ink or piercing, but since always I has been overweight, luckily not obese. Elzbieta – while traveling for at least a month in the row – loses always around 2-3 kg, which states around 4% of her body mass. I hope I can lose at least 7-8 in India, that would be so useful! But probably not like with all the great food. On the other hand it will be so hot that I will not even feel hunger…

During my Erasmus in Sweden, usually drunk, I came up with many ideas for my bachelor thesis. One of them is particularly applicable now: Why slimmer looking people have sometimes the same weight or even higher than the more chubby ones? How to measure density of body, percentage of water, weight of bones? Copyrights reserved, do not even try to steal this topic.

Think like a proton…

There is not much of extensive writing here. I would just like to publish a Facebook post, which my Mexican friend, Raul Bravo, whom I met last year during my internship in Germany, wrote some time ago. It is a good social experiment and I am glad so many clever people responded to it!

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I would like to dedicate this post to my friend Alicia Parthoens from the Fika is Religion blog, a really nice one! Girl, I do not know what your issues are but EVERYONE HAS ISSUES. It does not justify being negative. Think about it.

And now I am planning to close my laptop and go enjoy my hometown, spend time with Parents and Friends and just STAY POSITIVE, or rather BE positive as I always am.

Happiness in Rome
Rome – probably most positive place and most positive moment of my life

What’s up with me recently?

Kenya – I have recently dated a very intelligent Kenyan guy (it is a big compliment from my mouth that the conversation is as good as sex with a person! – I guess I am sapisexual) and he told me completely opposite opinions, but… Ela met once an elderly woman, Polish traveler (her name is Halina, anyone can help me find the contact to this person?) who had visited 150 countries and claimed that if you visit India, nothing is going to surprise you ever again. Ela and Mati were super afraid that nothing will take their breaths away! But they just loved Turkana lake. Nevertheless, Kenya is still a very dangerous country. Every book travel guide for Nairobi writes that it is crucial to take a taxi even if you have to walk 50 meters on the street at night. And if such pieces of advice are printed, you cannot ignore them. There are armed people near every hotel, houses look like prisons. Near the Turkana lake they felt safe, but there were numerous military cars there before. Ela felt as if she moved to the previous century – there were people still living in the houses made out of grass. She also recommended me a movie I have to watch sooner or later – The white Masai (or at least that’s the Polish translation) – treats about a Swedish woman who falls in love and marries the Masai guy. They are all so handsome and tall (although they are just slim and that is why they seem taller), their skin has a color of dark chocolate… Mmmm!

And maybe this is a perception of a different miracle of the world, but when I was changing the tempered glass cover on my iPhone (after destroying it drunk in Sweden…), I talked to the seller in the mobile shop. He told me that his best memory of India was smoking weed in Goa with the local and ex-pat hippies XD. Well, co kraj to obyczaj, as they say in Poland.

The thing number two to memorize: the only belongings of most of the homeless people are a blanket and an empty bottle. Coma, punto, kropka. You will not help all of them, deal with it. And that is the hard lesson to learn, but it is hard to press it to my mind. Even harder thing will be to remain numb for all the homeless and hungry children. Even if I almost don’t have any maternity instinct, it still hurts.

The most surprising thing Ela told me is that the best age for a woman is 30 to 35 years old. I was like ‘WHY?! LOOK AT ME NOW!’, but what she said really makes sense. In this age interval you already have some experience and you are mature enough not to make stupid mistakes (as I do now – young, wild and free), you know what you want, you can decide and balance between the career and the family life, your face is not chubby anymore but sculptured, ripe and beautiful. But I still believe that if I continue Master studies in few years, I will go for Erasmus to Rome to enjoy this 6 to 10 months, after I get 40 I will move to Amsterdam for a year to enjoy second, or third, or multiple youth, and then – will settle down again to adopt a little black girl (or together with my Asian-looking friend – we will adopt one Latin and one Black baby, and we will be all the races and all sexual orientations family).

And a little post sriptum. I’m leaving in 5 days exactly and – apart from being super excited – I am so panicked! I know I am vaccined, I have a visa, flights, place to stay and people to take care of me. But I am so AFRAID too! How to deal with it?

What can India bring me?

I was recently talking on the phone for almost two hours with my friend Christian from Nurnberg, Germany – another guy I met thanks to couch surfing last year. He is another friend who could be my father by the way. Actually he is exactly in the age of my father… Anyway, that is just the thing we do. Once a month we just MUST find a free evening, take a beer (me) and tea (Chris) and catch up on our lifes. No matter if I feel super good or super depressed, Christian always can support me, cheer me up and make me feel like a most valuable queen in the world. He is just a great friend and my safe nest when I will finally move to Deutschland.

Apart from all the more and less serious stuff, we talked about my trip to India, of course. And what he helped me realize – it will be another break-through point in my life in another field!

India is the next stop for me to learn how to
live with myself, my fears and depression.

My battle with depression is still on. I am fighting it with my doctor, strong medications, I was fighting it with more than 2 years of behavioral psychotherapy and stil come back to my therapist to talk sometimes when I need it, although I already learnt how to deal with myself pretty well.

Things which are missing are patience (which I still cannot learn and have high hopes to learn it by meditation and yoga in India), peace – which I started to get in low-paced Jonkoping and self-acceptance. The latter one seems to be a problem: I am such a perfectionist with a high desire for excellence and burning with ambition! I know it is harmful but it also gives me so much drive.

I am still planning to read a Bhagavad Gita (for Hindu it’s like Bible for Christians), which I have somewhere on my drive, after I got it from a person I used to hang out with a year ago (and successfully terminated this toxic relationship in the beginning of January).

And out of simple material things – what do I physically want to bring back home? Postcards! Many postcards I can put on my walls and send to people from here (I won’t trust the overseas mailing service in this case…). Custom-made sari. Fabrics to ask my Mom to sew something for me. Spices. Baby elephant. Pieces of material to put on walls in my future apartment (I already have one, bought in London, blue one with elephants! And to be honest – I already picture my future room in Germany. With those fabrics on the walls, little chains of lights under the ceiling, many candles and fluffy cushions…). Tea. Wood carvings. It will all just be so lovely!

And googling so many weird things, I came across quite useful packing checklist. I immediately rushed into eBay and its Polish version Allegro to buy a LifeStraw water filter and a GoGirl female urination device. Things which every girl traveller should own! I am super proud. Buying my travel insurance and begging my Mom for all the medications is still waiting for me in a next couple of days.

(And in the featured image – Eric the Moose, my greatest, most furry and very wet Swedish lover!)