I went through the different phases in my life – from caring about other people’s opinion a lot (you know those school dramas) to not giving a sh*t about it at all. I guess now I am somewhere in the middle: I do care about constructive criticism, honest advice and comments given me out of the goodness of someone’s heart. But I still turn a deaf ear to any gossips or vicious judgments – there is too much of it around to let it work on you.
That’s one of the main rule I try to apply – I often tell people very nice things. Surprisingly nice. Some of them get suspicious – why am I so pleasant? I just always say that there is too much drama happening around and we can hear so much hate and criticism from everyone around… So why wouldn’t we just be lovely to each other, just sometimes, just for change? It’s so precious to see the smile of a colleague when you compliment her dress. And imagine telling your best friend how important he/she is to you… Maybe it is partially selfish, but I love that feeling.
A situation from my life: in Sweden, on Erasmus, my good friend from the same Polish university told me ‘– Did you know what X and Y told me last time about you? I think you should be more careful with what you tell other people. Not everyone is that open, not everyone is your friend, not everyone understands you.‘. Well, you don’t wanna know and I don’t wanna share what they were talking about, but I had one comment to that: people will TALK one way or another. If I hide some things, they will most likely get to know about it anyway and turn it into the gossip, which without my influence will grow in an unpredictable direction. In opposite – if I show how open I am about things, that I am not ashamed of anything, open and distanced to many things, people will not find it that mysterious and special to talk about. And I will most likely have control over what they know…
At the age of around 14, I would do anything to stick out of the crowd. I didn’t have much self-confidence so I wanted to build my image on being a super-special-snowflake, original and independent, different from anyone. I dressed differently, I listened to different music, I often made a showman out of myself, often spoke up for a group (well, that stayed with me. People or love me or hate me for saying all what comes to my mind. I am still learning to apply a filter, though…). All that to pay back for how weak and unattractive I felt. Well, that’s the darkness of life of a teenage girl… I wouldn’t go back.
Now I am not there anymore. I am myself. Well, I was myself those years ago too, but the ‘self’ was just developing and I didn’t really know who should I be. Now I still don’t know, but I know what feels good for me and I know that I don’t need to impress anyone, cause I have a huge value being exactly who I am, even if some people have some problem with bearing me. That’s life – I am not a tomato soup to be liked by everyone.
28/11/2017 – a birthday of someone who influenced my self-esteem a lot, and paradoxically made me much stronger. Today I am tired as hell: had blood tests which made me weaker, had a chance to talk to a huge group of 17yo high school kids about how to pick a university and how to make the most of your studies (I was cool! They liked me! They listened! They even put away their phones for some time and laughed when I planned it!), had a meeting, helped writing a paper, worked on my thesis, now at 9pm I am still far from going to bed. I am veeery tired. But happy with all about myself. So why would I care what other people think about me?