I’ve wrote this text a couple of weeks ago and left it for some time to let it get ripe and think it over again – it was too important to just let it flow.
Imagine you buy a yoghurt. Or no, that is not a good example – it gets bad far too easily.
You buy a chocolate then. And on a wrapper it says BEST BEFORE: … , but you don’t really care – you just got your delicious chocolate! Assuming that you can control yourself, you eat one piece once in a while, truly enjoy it, and even just thinking about it is enough to make your mouth water. And then the date comes and… your chocolate is taken away from you, but you didn’t eat it all. And although you enjoyed every single piece, there is some sadness and bitterness coming up: I wanted to keep eating. What if this chocolate was a never-ending one? Would it still taste so good every time?
And now put there a person instead of a chocolate and you have real life. Yes, people come and go, but it makes me think a lot about life and the point of being in relationships.
I don’t know what I want. Well, sometimes I know what I do not want, but it’s rare too. Usually I just want everything and get frustrated that it is not possible.
I know I don’t like being alone. I need a hug sometimes. I need a springboard from the grey life. And even being a strong independent woman, I need to feel small sometimes. It’s just human thing to search for SOMEONE at some points of life.
On the other hand – I love my careless life full of freedom. I have my plans, for now they consider ONLY me. There was a time when I tried to co-work on the plans with someone, I wanted to create one common plan and follow it together. It didn’t work out for various reasons. That’s how I understood that I just need to build a stable life plan for myself and then start thinking about the next steps. And yes, it makes me happy. But it sucks sometimes, too.
I don’t want to get attached to any particular place, feeling or person right now. I don’t know where I am going to be next couple of months, nor in one year time when I’m planning to settle down. I don’t feel ready to promise anything to anyone. I do not even know on what stage I am in some of the social relations. But at the same time, I feel like I am not learning how to build anything stable. How to survive with someone all the good and bad. Try to repair things instead of throwing them away. It is a missing part in my life and it hurts, but I also fully acknowledge that this is the price I pay for the remaining comfort of life.
It doesn’t make me a worse person, but it also doesn’t make me better. Is it just a temporary way to survive? What if at some point I will have problem switching from the temporary to the permanent?
Maybe if I’ve met someone BIG before I became megalomaniac with my plans, it would look differently. But would it necessarily make me a happier person?
A za dzień – już się nie spotkamy.
A za tydzień – już nie pozdrowimy się.
A za miesiąc – już się zapomnimy.
A za rok – już się nie poznamy.
A dziś krzykiem noc nad czarną rzeką
Podważyłem jakby trumny wieko
Słuchaj – ratuj mnie.
Słuchaj – kocham cię.
Słyszysz – już za daleko.