Step 1: Self-fan fiction

The first step to creative writing is of course – to try. That is why I was intensively thinking about where to start. And I decided to pick a topic which I know the best. What is it? Myself. Yes, it’s me, Zuza. If this makes any sence, me and my relations with people are the only things I know in my life for sure. And not always.

What if? Everyone asks themselves this question. Girls in Sex and the City, Jon in Winterfell, Harry in front of Chamber of Secrets, Hannah Baker for 13 times, those awesome man Breaking Bad… Got it? Everyone thinks ‘What if?’.

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(c) Ana Estrada #AE

What if I had to pick my friends from the fictional characters of books, movies, series I consume in huge amounts? That’s my list.

  1. Riley from Sense8
  2. Denerys from Game of Thrones
  3. Carrie and Samantha from Sex and the City
  4. The Little Prince
  5. Raskolnikow from Crime and Punishment
  6.  Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars
  7. Michael Scofield from Prison Break
  8. Merry Poppins
  9. Hercule Poirot & Sherlock Homes together
  10. Forrest Gump
  11. Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy
  12. Carrie Bradshaw from Homeland

I am a psycho? We will see. 12 topics, 12 stories, 12 months of a year. Always on the 3rd day of a month.

Wishes to the gold fish

Sometimes I am a dreamer, everyone is. And I am a little girl with the big big dreams.

Some women dream just about starting a family, becoming a mom, having a house with a garden and a dog… Fortunately my Mother raised me differently and I already know that having a child is not what would make me a real woman and the only things I should care about are my own dreams, goals and well-being, no matter how much it costs. Same thing with being married or in relationship. It would be amazing to be in a happy one but if not – it’s not the end of the world and I really can imagine being single. Well, I am a single. Although it would be awesome to have someone by my side, someone forever and for 100%, I just do not have time for it. I travel, I study, I realize myself and do a lot of planning FOR MYSELF. Maybe in a year or two, when my life becomes more settled… And my Mom doesn’t feel like becoming a Grandma anyway 😀

By the way, it surprises me so much that some of my friends – intelligent and beautiful, ambitious engineering students, dream mostly about moving in and starting families with their long-term, met in young age boyfriends! They want to work 9 to 5, cook dinners, watch tv, babysit while the husbands watch football and drink beer. This picture terrifies me! Please, think it over, girls!

When I was younger, every day before falling asleep I was picturing all the good things which could happen to me and what I was dreaming to have or achieve. Now – to my own harm – I rather tend just to worry about what bad could happen and how I would handle that right here right now. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes is helps, because I am already mentally prepared for so many situations! But maybe you can’t really prepare for everything just in theory? Why women tend to over-think while men tend to over-react? I know I am still full of fears and anxieties, but I try to talk about it and sooth it. And I am lucky to be surrounded with some people who really can listen and understand.

Anyway, I still DO have the dreams. So many! From silly to really serious ones.

I wish someone would paint me one day. No, not this creepy cartoons or caricatures which you can find in summer towns in Polish seaside (and pretty much anywhere else). I dream of like Ruben’s style painting, you know? I just love his art and this type of normal, curved women.

Peter Paul Rubens ‘Woman with a mirror’

It is obvious, but I also dream about traveling the word. I have already showed it on Facebook, but that is what I’ve found recently in a fortune cookie in a Thai restaurant in Sweden:

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And I have already been to 33 countries (was able to count that just because of Couch Surfing) and lived in 5 of them! I have a world map tattooed on my ribs and friends coming from major part of the world?!

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Created with http://www.amcharts.com – big pity that it does not calculate the %

I do not know what I want, but I know what I do not want. I don’t want routine, boredom, monotonous life. I don’t need to have the best car, fanciest apartment, jewellery and designer clothes. I just want to travel for 2-weeks holiday every 3 months (hopefully such job exists). And I do not want to spend vacation in Polish seaside, I want to be able to afford Singapore, Japan, Brasil… That is why I am moving to Germany, their salaries will let me do it. I am not moving there for better life, but for the life I deserve, as an ambitious woman, engineer, traveler.

And I simply just want to be happy. Is that a lot?

Do something good every day

I was planning to write this post since one last Vilhelmsro party long time ago (already 2 months since I left JKPG?!) back in Sweden, but I realized that the moment of exceeding 6 000 individual readers and 300 likes on my Facebook fanpage (are you a fan yet?!) will be appropriate. Plus during summer and holiday season people are more warm-hearted…

 

Back in Sweden I have met a really interesting, intelligent, sexy and beautiful girl – Stella Barbieri-Schwaeble. Raised in UK by Italian mother and German father (or other way round?) Stella was one of the exchange student together with me during the Erasmus semester.

One night, on this more-less memorable party, Stella told me about the child of her best friend – little 7-months-old Ella.

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Just in March this year Ella received the heartbreaking diagnosis of Spinal Muscular Atrophy, Type 1, which is so far an incurable condition and means that she may never be able to sit up right unsupported and may not reach her second birthday.

Parents Leah and Matt are motivated to do anything to make Ella’s life as comfortable as possible and to create beautiful memories as a family. Treatment is difficult to get in the UK but there may be some hope with some treatment in Paris that could help Ella, but this comes at the cost of £10,000. With parents being only 22 and 25 they do not have this money at hand. This is why a just giving page has been created to help them with some financial support for medical expenses and precious memories such as a family holiday for the three of them.

Please show some support by donating at little as £5 or even just sharing this post to help find more donors. 🙏🏻
Ellas just giving page can be found at

www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/EllasBubble?utm_term=nZzWeRRag

As soon as I heard the story, my heart was broken. Does god really exist? – I thought at that moment.

I know, I am also just a poor student, do not make my own money and do not have much experience, knowledge or network to help anyhow…

Stella is planning to pay for her explorer escapade to Mount Everest and find sponsors for Ella’s treatment. She is mostly likely to do it in September next year, when I – hopefully – will already find a job in Germany and will be able to help.

What can I do FOR NOW? As I like very much all the body modifications, I am dreaming of another couple of piercings since some time. I wanna get myself a septum – the one in a nose which is similar to those which cows wear. Additionally Stella has one too, and she looks gorgeous with it.

I was also thinking of getting a tragus and piercing my belly button one day. Maybe I could start a cooperation with my favorite tatto&piercing studio in my hometown Lodz – HARD TO FORGET – to get this money (and maybe money of some more customers?) donated for Ella? That would be awesome.

You guys know what to do. In the meantime I am departing today for another IAESTE trip to a mountain village called Coorg. See you after the weekend!

My religious background

For most of my life I was an atheist.

I was born and raised in Poland, which basically means that catholic religion was, is and will be the huge part of my cultural background, they are mostly blended together. My Mom is an atheist, my Father is pretty indifferent, I was baptized in the age of 4 just because my Grandparents forced my Parents to do it, promised to pay for everything, but ‘This child must be baptized’. Majority of my family is catholic or atheist, most of my friends are agnostic, I also know many Muslim and Hindu. Everyone agrees that people are nowadays getting less and less religious.

I used to attend religion classes (in Poland of course CATHOLIC religion, to option for world religions or ethics) until the age of 10, when we got a new nun teaching us and immediately disliked her.

I’ve done the sacrament of the first communion, though, but it was more for the family party and many gifts, and because all the other kids in school were going to do it. Not much religious value.

As I quitted religion classes at 4th grade, I haven’t done the third sacrament – confirmation, which means that I cannot marry in the church and I cannot become a Godmother.

I was already asked twice to do this sacrament, as both of my closest cousins have little kids, but I definitely refused. Being a GODmother is the last thing I should be. This person is supposed to help to raise the kid in the catholic religion, I am not able to do that. I can be an amazing auntie, though, buying them alcohol behind the back of their parents, doing the safe-sex-lectures and being there for them if they need to talk to an adult.

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Milan 2014, when we were still a 4, not 3+3, we were young and innocent 😉

That is what I currently have with my 18yo cousin Marta, and I feel great with it. Well, I catch such situations like a magnet… I talk both to Marta and her Mom on equal level, not exchanging the information between them, of course. Here in India I also have such a Mom-Son couple – he confides in me (most of my Indian friends here are around 18-19 so I am able to advice them from the older sister perspective), his Mom whom I met in Mumbai and later in Manipal, told me things she has never told anyone before. And I am fine with it, I am there for all those people.

I was an atheist since I was aware of my religious consciousness. Parent of my childhood friends wanted to help, offered me to go to the church on Sundays with their families. I am always open, though. I tried to explore buddhism at some point of my life. I was in a one-year strong and solid, serious relationship with a Muslim guy and I dare to claim that I know Quran more than Bible. I never wanted to convert but he would prefer me being Christian than atheist. Anyway, we broke up more because of character than culture difference. He is still love of my life and the most noble person I know.

With the knowledge and experience I have now, I can openly say that I am not against any religion itself. They all – in more or less similar ways – aim at being a good person. Christianity and Islam are so similar in many aspects! I do not understand the huge conflict between them, neither the hate which started in Poland (maybe Europe?) after 2015 refugees crisis. I hope it has more economical than religious background!

I came to India with an open mind, didn’t really know what to expect. And now I do know. On my meditation classes I believed in something. After talking to people and visiting great temples, I can admit that I feel that Hinduism is made for me. That I wanna be a Hindu, finally have a path to follow. For now I will explore and learn as much as I can, when I come back to Poland I will become a Hindu on paper.

I am planning to co-write a huge text about Hinduism with my great Indian friend, and amazing blogger from M.A.D. – Manas (Ananas) Dresswalla (Swallalala!). Stay tuned!

Last night chat

– Many people are jealous of what you do now, Zuza!
– You think so? I just have here the school of living, experience, spirituality and personal development. And I have a lot of fun here. After two days in India I had such relationships with people like after two MONTHS on Erasmus. I think this tough conditions bring us closer together, physically and mentally.
– And what about your Bachelor thesis Master studies?
– I already know it 🙂 And the ideas for life.
– Congrats!
– Well, we girls just probably overthink much more than you.
– Maybe… Well, Zuza, we will meet in some years on the party in penhouse and we will talk about our careers!
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Me, myself and I

I have recently received two big lessons. First one – from Ela exactly. Wherever you go, you have to choose. You are not able to see EVERYTHING. Or left or right, or up or down, here or there. It is like life. Go and see what is the most important for you, what you want to see the most.

Another one – from my Italian passionate friend Ilario – to LISTEN. I tend to speak a lot, no matter if I know the person or not. I am just such a story-teller! But I’m learning. Tibor told me also that there are two ways of listening: one is just catching breath before talking again, another is really paying attention to all the words pronounced. And words are important, as Paola said (damn, I am surrounded with sooo clever people!). So I learn. I listen! I am listening! I will listen.

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#AE

I have lost 8 people in my life: my mother’s parents died before I was born, my only known Grandfather passed away when I was 12, last summer my colleague from high school died tragically in the car accident (what was probably the worst Sunday of my life, my boyfriend cheated on me too), my ex-best-friend told me that she cannot stand me anymore, I threw my friend-with-benefits away from my life as the most toxic, manipulative and clingy person around, I ceased any contact with my second-ex-boyfriend as he was also very toxic (or maybe I am just a curious person and he could not interest me with anything anymore), and then I lost another important person because of my own stupidity (or maybe just being my-crazy-self?).

I lost them. I will not let myself loose more people. And I am on a good path! Tibor told me since the beginning that he is not good in keeping in touch on long distance, and we still talk as if there weren’t 1000 km between us. I keep chatting and online-cuddling with Ilario. I talk to Christian all the time on the phone. I text in a very friendly way with my ex-almost-fiancé. The same happens with Per – we still talk a lot. So I can. So maybe it’s not me? Maybe these are just these people?

Om shanti – my intro to meditation

As no one around me really knew how to help me, I simply Googled my query. Where to go for yoga and meditation classes?

After exchanging a few e-mails I came across Brahma Kumaris – Raja Yoga meditation studio…? or rather a centre, or unit (as it is a worldwide movement, present even in a few cities in Polandia), where I met my lovely guru (although she refuses to be called a ‘guru’, rather a ‘teacher’), whose name I still do not know, and she hardly remembers mine.

Since a couple of years, when I realized I have serious problems with my self-esteem, impatience and over-demanding struggle for perfection (which led me to diagnosed depression), I was searching help and power in multiple sources. Talking to friends, one pretty bad psychologist, Emotional Freedom Technique with an awkward reflexologist, finally medications and psychotherapies, accompanied by some ‘Polish yoga’ and Mindfulness iPhone app which helped me to fall sleep. And now I am fine. But why shouldn’t I be better?

Meditation became one of many things I am planning to do completely for myself here, in India.

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Irreplaceable Ana Estrada Photography (see u in Mexico!)

I met my guru for a short conversation last week and loved her (HER is important) since the very beginning. We scheduled appointments for the following Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, as that is a typical timetable which the course (free of charge, btw) follows. I turned out to be the only student, as the local people prefer to listen to it in the local language (Kannada?).

THE FIRST session was pretty special. I did get ready for a real meditation – did not eat much before (also thanks to ANOTHER stomach problem), wore comfortable clothes and tried to relax. To my surprise it only ended up to be a lecture, stopped by my questions (when it comes to curiosity I keep being myself even in India). Guru focused on the difference and separation between the body and the soul. Our soul is located in the pituitary gland and in hypothalamus. Hindu used to cover it with bindi (the famous red dot) to draw attention to their soul, not the body which is just the box for soul, worthless without it.

To my surprise – soul is eternal. It just keeps changing bodies. And we do remember the previous body just in the early childhood. Later it is forgotten for our own convenience.

The most important lesson to bear in mind are the inner values of the soul: peace, love, power, happiness, knowledge, purity and bliss.

And now, quoting Guru of the Gurus’: Om shanti. “Om,” I am a soul, “shanti” peace. I am a peaceful soul. I need to remain aware of who I am and who is mine. It is this awareness that gives light and might.

DAY TWO was chaotic for me. Not the class itself, rather the whole day before. Hardship to get up, lots of work, lots of conversations, new people, planning, running from one place to another, doing shopping and picking up the best fruits (the only food which does not poison me here), fighting with the laundry man made my run into the meditation centre irritated and tired. How lucky I was to get there! Voice of my guru sooths me so well.

This day we talked about god. What I like is that in Raja Yoga god is not defined as Shiva, Allah, Christian God or anything else. God is just a point of light, just as every human being is. The only difference is that god has no body, does not need it and cannot be harmed.

Later on we passed to the real meditation, luckily the guided one for now (with the narration of my guru in the background), cause my biggest problem while meditating is to completely turn off my thoughts. My guru advised me to, instead of blowing them away like clouds (my not really succesful technique until now), tell them to stop and come back later. It worked. For around 10 minutes I was just looking into the Brahma Kumaris 15-rey sun lamp and being alone with my peace.

The biggest surprise? The peace is not happy. It’s obviously not sad either. It’s just so indifferent!

MORE IS YET TO COME

(I’m meeting my guru again on Friday for the third session, and later we will keep seeing each other once a week. She also recommended me continuing in BK in Lodz, Poland, when I will be back, but I am not fully convinced yet.)