Instructions for freedom


From Elizabth Gilbert’s Eat, pray, love

1. Life’s metaphors are God’s instructions.

2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.

3. The day is ending. It’s time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God’s response. Let go, and watch the stars come out—on the outside and on the inside.

5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.

6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.

8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go.

9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It’s safe. Let go.

10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

Sex and The City – my lesson of being a woman

Yes, I tend to watch too many TV series… Especially now, in the era of Netflix, streaming and torrents (nope, I still don’t know how to use the latter ones). Some of them are just time-fillers – I don’t think there is much more to Friends or Weeds than being a background for doing my high school homeworks. Other type of series are the ones, which I started watching cause everyone was already watching them: Breaking Bad, Homeland, House of Cards, Game of Thrones… And the people where right, I really liked all of them.

My forever-number-one is Black Mirror, but I should devote a separate post to this masterpiece. For now – another important series: not really ambitious, not the best quality or screenplay, but the one I probably learnt a lot from. Living in a big city, following your passions, planning an ambitious career, living a high-class lifestyle, being a happy single or a happy person in relationship, staying a good friend… Being yourself!

In the city which moves that fast that they give you a Sunday newspaper on Saturday, how any of us would now how much time we have left? There are so many things I have never done…

That is how my life looks like right now.

Welcome to the age of uninnocence. No one has breakfasts at Tiffany’s and no one has affairs to remember. Instead we have breakfasts at 7AM and the affairs we try to forget.

Well, yeah. Like this too… And I guess it is partially the sickness of our generation. We do not really care about things and bonds, we just run forward, live with constant fear of missing out, want more and more…

The primitive Greeks clung desperately to myths to explain the random hopelessness of their miserable lives. Do modern day singles need modern day myths just to help us get through our random and sometimes miserable relationships?

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I feel the same way about being a bridesmaid as you feel about Botox. Painful and unnecessary.

That is how I feel now about my friends getting engaged (at least 4 people this year, while I was away!), while I am just getting drunk, having random ‘boyfriends’ and living from one travel to another.

Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.

And I feel it and I love it.

They say nothing lasts forever; dreams change, trends come and go, but friendships never go out of style.

Everything is fine until it is not. I experienced it badly before, got over it and than experienced it again. I am still not fine, but I gonna be. Time heals all wounds. It’s okay, baby, only words bleed.

Depths of Internet vol.2

Like some time ago, I would like to share things I found online and find them beautiful, or at least inspiring.


Coming back from India I was searching for a good (hopefully the best) yoga school in my hometown, where I still leave and study for next half a year. I asked Google, I asked my network on Facebook and found out about a great Hatha-Yoga school ran by Michał Szczepaniak, great Polish yogi with an appropriate training and preparation in India. I am in love with his classes ALMOST as much as with Pradeepa’s.

Anyway, Yogis of Lodz popped up somewhere on my Facebook and I really liked it, I hope they will come back to life again (last post was published in May 2017). Basically – great photos and interesting stories of yogis in my city. I hope I get there one day!


  • Żaba – Instagram account

I don’t wanna link this Instagram account, it is too private for my feeling.

To cut long story short – when I used to be a scout (age 10 to 14), I have met many amazing girls, but one of them stuck especially in my memory, that is why I keep following her life until now, although we do not have any contact. She is such a lovely person and creative artist!

M. (Żaba = Froggie for friends) got pregnant in the age of 16 or 17, and decided to have the baby with her still-boyfriend. And now her Instagram posts are just BEAUTIFUL.



Well, apart from being another marketing tool of the blog, my own Twitter is a place where I publish many quotes and other short sentences which I meet in my every day life – from friends, family, on parties, written on the walls and in the public toilets. Worth scrolling through!



I’ve met this guy in one of the hostels in India and really liked him, partying for the whole night in hostel common area.

I also laughed at him a lot – Polish people will get it. Having such a Polish surname with a very American name sounds just ridiculous. Well, sounded ridiculous until I met a guy called Michaelangelo here in Lodz… Ah those drunk people you accidentally meet in a pub!

Anyway, Tommy is a traveler. I like other travelers.



I remember Olcha from the secondary school – she was one year older and very good at Maths. In adult life it turned out that she is also super talented in a very unusual field – papercuts, as well as photography! And she travels a lot, too.



You know I am a poor student… That is why when I travel I often participate in the attractions which are for free – for example Free Walking Tours organized in many cities, where you can meet other travelers, as well as people who just love their cities so much that they want to show them to you pro bono. That is how I met Peter – traveler, journalist, social activist.

My German is not fluent yet, but I recommend his website for people who can read it properly 😀


And I fully support the idea of Lviv Buddy movement. I loved Lviv so much! And I loved most of the people there, too.


One afternoon in Bangkok

It is the first time when I break the promise of confidentiality given to my interlocutor. I told him about the blog, shown him my notes and he said that he doesn’t feel safe nowadays and doesn’t want me to write this post. I feel bad about it, but I knew this guy for 2 hours… and of course I am not gonna reveal anything private, will change many facts to help him remain anonymous, but I just needed to share what he taught me – it was a big lesson about the human nature and culture I woke up in that morning (Thailand).

(c) Bence Fejes, back in India

Wandering around and waiting for the no.1 restaurant to open I came across the two men – Thai guy around 60yo and his friend of the same age and European origin. After quick chat across the canal they invited me to join them for a beer. Fun fact – after being served a bottle I said ‘Well, you could have better open it in front of me… You know, precautions. Better safe than sorry’ and the guy totally understood me and did not get offended. ‘Just pour some in my glass too!’.

The Thai guy hardly spoke English but was absolutely lovely and simple. We needed to explain him what Biomedical Engineering is by telling about making a plastic (artificial) heart.

He told me that he has been living in Thailand for many years already, has a Thai wife and marriage visa. He makes a living and really enjoys where he is.

People in Europe live following they brains, but you have to learn how to follow your heart! If I was in Europe, I would be a manager of big company, working whole days, playing golf and going to the gym after business meetings, than a drink with a client or colleague and home to sleep. I didn’t want it! After my mother died when I was in my thirties, I decided to go out of depression moving abroad. I chose Asia and it was the best thing I could have done! People here have so little but are so happy! They just follow their hearts!

To cut long story short, the guy learnt Thai in a couple of years and for long time was earning money singing in the bar – as a white man singing Thai he was very competitive attraction. He told me how much he earned in the week and it was much better than the doctors earn in Poland (I always compare peoples’ salaries to my mom’s). I liked his way of living too, maybe that is plan Z (after plan A, B, C…) if I don’t know what to do with my life.


Beautiful (c) Ola Nowak by (c) Bence Fejes

Marriage visa obliges you to leave the country once in 3 months – it means that you are forced to go for holidays! That sounds great. I just need some Thai person to marry me… maybe one of Lady Boys?

Another fun fact – the guy I talked to also has been to India for some time and he was treated as a god: he was one of the last few white people blessed by Mother Theresa 3 days before she died.

He also pointed out and named the thing I’ve noticed but didn’t acknowledge about gender equality… Supposing that we live in a good, partner relationship and we talk about all the equal rights and duties division at home, we are proud how equal we are in the couple. But still – in Europe, being a woman you can put shorter skirt and bigger neck cut in your T-shirt to get a discount or get something easier than men… That is bullshit.

Another thing is his way of living. For now – as he said – he is faithful to his wife since the beginning. But he does not reject that something can happen in the future…

As long as we are home together on Sundays, it is fine for me to go and play tennis in Saturday, then go to a bar and maybe do something… I am also fine with her going out for Saturday drinks with her girl friends, having fun and maybe… But she is Thai, their mindsets are still different.

And what about this equality?

Depths of Internet vol.1

I am not The New York Times, but I have a taste.

Many of other bloggers I follow and respect, even look up to, have a custom to write from time to time a post collecting all the valuable content we can find among all the rubbish on the internet. I decided to do the same, as there are so many profound, or at least entertaining, things out there! And what can be more inspiring than other authors, artists, voices of the generation, online marketing experts, social media addicts who DO know how to do it?

First of all – the bloggers I follow.

One and only, genius red-head, 30 years old strong independent woman living in London. Infinite source of inspiration, good taste, psychology, big city lifestyle, career planning, reaching better and higher every day – Marta Kaczyńska RIENNAHERA (PL)

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My friend from uni, really smart and ambitious, one of the best students, fitness and sport junkie, vegetarian, life fighter, Polish Blair Waldorf, full of charm and class, on her journey to become a happier personPaulina Wyrwas PAULLAJNA (ENG)

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Super-tall basketball player, medicine student, friend of a friend of a friend, we met a couple of times on the parties in my hometown. I follow him for some years already, but didn’t have a chance to talk to him as a blogger yet. Very mature for his age. This guys helps me preserve the thought that there are still some young, decent, emotionally sensitive men out there – Adam Bartkiewicz (PL)

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But I am a lot into art too… Modern art museums are the only ones I visit while travelling, apart from wandering around and noticing street art.

Met this guy here, in India, and fell in love with his photographs, even if I really got to know him on his last evening in Manipal. He is still a source of pictures for my posts, with full credits of course. I wish I hadn’t dropped photography a few years back, and I really admire his talent – Bence Fejes

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A modern Indian guy I met on one of the parties in my hostel, when I sneaked into the boy’s floor… We talked a lot, he surprised me almost as much as I surprised him with my stories, gave me a lot of laughs too – Rumit Dalal

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For the last couple of days I really have life of a professional writer. I do not work, as my supervisor is on the sick leave, so I go for yoga at 7AM, come back having a healthy shake on my way home, take a nap or watch Netflix for an hour, do some writing, exchange emails, settle my life plans and little organisational issues, do shopping, do some more writing, meet friends for lunch, complete my duties outside, come back for yoga at 5pm, shower, go for dinners and parties. I do not think I could do it longterm – I am far too lazy, wouldn’t be able to motivate myself enough if permanently working from home. Plus I expect I am really far from making money on writing…

From all my notebooks

Sometimes when I am in rush (or drunk and not able to type) I tend to record voice messages to myself not to forget some important stories, facts, post ideas… And here I am, with tones of them on my phone, some notes in the calendar and in some apps on my phone… Time to write it down.

India can be compared to its most popular mix of spices – masala. Just because it is so desorganized and chaotic. But I can be called masala too with all my dreams, fears, anxieties, ideas and thoughts.

The only famous Polish person known by one British girl I’ve met in the hostel in Delhi was her housekeeper Magda.

Limbic resonance is the idea that the capacity for sharing deep emotional states arises from the limbic system of the brain. These states include the dopamine circuit-promoted feelings of empathic harmony, and the norepinephrine circuit-originated emotional states of fear, anxiety and anger. The concept was advanced in the book A General Theory of Love (2000), and is one of three interrelated concepts central to the book’s premise: that our brain chemistry and nervous systems are measurably affected by those closest to us (limbic resonance); that our systems synchronize with one another in a way that has profound implications for personality and lifelong emotional health (limbic regulation); and that these set patterns can be modified through therapeutic practice (limbic revision).

You cannot stay close to people with whom you feel small, paralyzed, weak and bad and constantly suppose that the other person is angry at you. True story.

Z: Well, try looking to the mirror and telling yourself that you are a great person every day.
T: I do it, especially after workout, which is quite obvious. I think I look different after excercise but obviously I don’t! Maybe after several weeks but not after one session.
Z: You mean like placebo? Like seeing what you want to see and kinda deceiving yourself?
T: Self-deceiving always works!


I miss Per. And Sven.

There are many lovely Polish expressions: fikuśny, klamoty, uciecha, zgrywus, urwis, dobre sobie, wystrychnąć na dudka, kuku na muniu, klawo, sprawunki, rubaszny, zafrapowany, perswaduję w twoje ręce, winszuję poznania, tak wszyscy lotota i lotota obyśta dobrze wylądowali.

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I still remember the Idle brewery in Jonkoping… And the lovely tattooed waitress… And that I wanted to start business with them: my drink – Cosmopolishtown – would be viral! Frozen raspberries, tonic and vodka.

Great ideas for my Bachelor thesis (why I already have such an ordinary topic?!): proportions of male muscles and other organs of a body, finding a therapy for spinal muscular atrophy type 1.

The old women use all those cream to be as expressive as the young ones, while the young ones want to be like the old ones (not me). Old women put the anti-wrinkles cream, young ones strong make-up. And the devices to maintain your body in good shape…

All the teenage mothers look old pretty soon. Like a stale loaf of bread with honey.

Zawsze uśmiechnięta buzia? To Zuzia, uroczy łobuziak.

Całe życie na przypale: albo grubo albo wcale.

Przebierać jak w ulęgołkach.

(c) Bence Fejes

I would prefer to be raised in a gay family, as an adopted child, or only with one parent than being raised between two people hating each other for 22 years of my life.

After one year since I had seen Ilario, which was Easter 2016, I was from 21 to almost 22 I feel less naive, slightly more mature, far more knowledgeable when it comes to school, a little more physically mature.

When I will be an adult and have money, I would like to open an agency looking for apartments and roommates for open-relationship, LGBT couples – open men and women willing to share a flat on free rules. 4 people for an apartment is a start.

September 2018 – Toscany Crazy-Amazing Wine Festival

The main reasons while I split up with my two serious boyfriends (not with the short-limited-term ones – two) is that they prefered to talk honestly by the text messages than face-to-face, which was impossible because – although I am a Millenial, Generation Y – my soul is in the nineties.

I honestly don’t know why I even went to the Vatican museum.

I would like to be the same age – 21 – with the same outside conditions, experience and life, but I would like to be 35 years and make it happen when Ilario was still 26.

I won’t reveal my current sex-bucket-list. Neither the one of things to do in Manipal.

I need to buy some more souvenirs from India.

So many things to Google. But… Do cows have memory?

I have started far too many tv series.

I have to finally push learning my German again!!! Ghrrr.


I am affraid of my life after coming back from India.

I do not need much software on my MacBook. That’s convenient, but I need to return it for service when I get back. IT’S F**KED UP.

I could study some humanistic major or courses, or start a different career even now. But why?

(c) Bence Fejes


Step 1: Self-fan fiction

The first step to creative writing is of course – to try. That is why I was intensively thinking about where to start. And I decided to pick a topic which I know the best. What is it? Myself. Yes, it’s me, Zuza. If this makes any sence, me and my relations with people are the only things I know in my life for sure. And not always.

What if? Everyone asks themselves this question. Girls in Sex and the City, Jon in Winterfell, Harry in front of Chamber of Secrets, Hannah Baker for 13 times, those awesome man Breaking Bad… Got it? Everyone thinks ‘What if?’.

(c) Ana Estrada #AE

What if I had to pick my friends from the fictional characters of books, movies, series I consume in huge amounts? That’s my list.

  1. Riley from Sense8
  2. Denerys from Game of Thrones
  3. Carrie and Samantha from Sex and the City
  4. The Little Prince
  5. Raskolnikow from Crime and Punishment
  6.  Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars
  7. Michael Scofield from Prison Break
  8. Merry Poppins
  9. Hercule Poirot & Sherlock Homes together
  10. Forrest Gump
  11. Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy
  12. Carrie from Homeland

I am a psycho? We will see. 12 topics, 12 stories, 12 months of a year. Always on the 3rd day of a month.