Sex and The City – my lesson of being a woman

Yes, I tend to watch too many TV series… Especially now, in the era of Netflix, streaming and torrents (nope, I still don’t know how to use the latter ones). Some of them are just time-fillers – I don’t think there is much more to Friends or Weeds than being a background for doing my high school homeworks. Other type of series are the ones, which I started watching cause everyone was already watching them: Breaking Bad, Homeland, House of Cards, Game of Thrones… And the people where right, I really liked all of them.

My forever-number-one is Black Mirror, but I should devote a separate post to this masterpiece. For now – another important series: not really ambitious, not the best quality or screenplay, but the one I probably learnt a lot from. Living in a big city, following your passions, planning an ambitious career, living a high-class lifestyle, being a happy single or a happy person in relationship, staying a good friend… Being yourself!

In the city which moves that fast that they give you a Sunday newspaper on Saturday, how any of us would now how much time we have left? There are so many things I have never done…

That is how my life looks like right now.

Welcome to the age of uninnocence. No one has breakfasts at Tiffany’s and no one has affairs to remember. Instead we have breakfasts at 7AM and the affairs we try to forget.

Well, yeah. Like this too… And I guess it is partially the sickness of our generation. We do not really care about things and bonds, we just run forward, live with constant fear of missing out, want more and more…

The primitive Greeks clung desperately to myths to explain the random hopelessness of their miserable lives. Do modern day singles need modern day myths just to help us get through our random and sometimes miserable relationships?

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I feel the same way about being a bridesmaid as you feel about Botox. Painful and unnecessary.

That is how I feel now about my friends getting engaged (at least 4 people this year, while I was away!), while I am just getting drunk, having random ‘boyfriends’ and living from one travel to another.

Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.

And I feel it and I love it.

They say nothing lasts forever; dreams change, trends come and go, but friendships never go out of style.

Everything is fine until it is not. I experienced it badly before, got over it and than experienced it again. I am still not fine, but I gonna be. Time heals all wounds. It’s okay, baby, only words bleed.

My dream jobs

Post for the symbolical first day of academic year 2017/2018 (well, I am not in school yet, but that is a different story).

My choice of the career path was quite random. After I graduated from high school at the age of 18, I did not have much idea what to do with my life (and ended up with depression just when the university was about to start… I made it through anyway!). It is not that popular in Poland to take a gap year, go to work or travel… Maybe because we are not such a rich country. Most of my friends went to the university directly after graduating from high school and were exactly as confused as I was.

The only good point about that decision was that I was sure I wanna do some kind of engineering. I could not imagine myself in any humanistic studies! I was considering medicine too, but I decided that I don’t want to spend at least 10 more years in school, start earning with a shitty salary of resident doctor and have to deal with many overwhelming cases. On the other hand – my Mom is a doctor, radiologist to be precise, she works at oncology department of one of major hospitals in my cities. This specialisation is quite comfy – shorter working hours due to the increased level of exposion to X-ray radiation, not much contact with physical patients – just their photos… There is a lot to complain about too, like salary – in public hospitals it is miserable and the doctors need to work extra hours in private clinics to do this decent money they deserve for saving lifes.

So I wanted to do engineering… But what exactly? My Grandfather was an Electrical Engineer, my Dad graduated from Textile Engineering but works more like Mechanical, Electronics or Industrial Engineer. I was thinking of Civil Engineering, but again – did not want to spend many more years after graduation learning for the national tests and passing the crucial certifications.

(c) Ana Estrada #AE

Here I am – in a couple of months graduating from Biomedical Engineering. It seemed interesting, I went for it and after many struggles – I LOVED it. It is exactly the chimera between medicine and engineering! Although I am still more -engineer that bio- (since ALWAYS, my biology classes were never on a decent level). I can see myself working in my field, I find it fascinating and very promising in next decades, although not developing in miserable Poland yet, that’s why I am moving out of the country.

But what if…? What if I was brave enough not to follow my common sense? What if I followed my passions?

Event planning and management. Oh for Christ’s sake, I would love it! I am a natural planner, I like attending events too 😀 I was in a student commitee in high school, co-organized two huge club parties (one more, second less succesful), many internal events, coordinated groups of people. I also like doing planning for others – if I HAVE TO work in a group (I hate it), I am the one responsible for documentation, schedule, details… I am also a party girl, have quite a good taste for music, food and decorations, understand people well. I can’t wait to organize my friends’ bachelor and hen parties (yes, bisexual person can do both! Don’t tell me NO!), help them with weddings and baby showers… I was also an official ‘party manager’ in my last job in Germany, while it was summer and I organized company bbq’s almost every second week. I am born for it.

Translator. As you can see, I am pretty good with languages. Native Polish, almost bilingual with English – currently I speak those two languages on equal level of proficiency, read Polish faster but write English better. I think in both languages, count mostly in Polish. I do not have Polish accent while speaking English, people mostly confuse me with Dutch, German or Scandinavian. My Spanish is quite good. I do not learn it anymore (2 years of classes and 3 months of living there seem to be enough for now), but I enjoy practicing with native speakers when I have a chance to. I already gave up with French, although some time ago wanted to learn it due to love reasons. I understand and can read quite a lot, though. After half a year in Sweden it would be a sin not to learn any Swedish. So I did! I can order a coffe, ask for a time, pick up a guy, be polite in many sitations. Now German is my goal, as I am hopefully moving there next year. Italian is my fantasy, for me it is a language of passion, love, sex, food, art and culture, and I will definitely find some time in my life to learn it properly. Hindi would be useful for the reasons of understanding my new religion fully. Not to mention the fact that I understand quite a lot of Russian, Ukrainian, Czech and Slovak… I love languages and talking to people, I write quite well… I guess I would be a good translator.

Writer. I see myself there too! Only if I had more practice… And more background in any humanistic studies! Maybe English or Roman philology? Psychology? Sociology? International Relations? It all seems so interesting. And seems a good point to start. But that is not a direction I wanna go professionaly into, it is just a hobby and I would be over the moon if I even am able to make any money on it. Thanks to my writing I talk more to other writers, subconsciously interview people while talking to them, make a lot of notes and voice memos, share a lot more on Facebook. I also learn Digital Marketing, some coding, auto-promotion… And now I wanna make my step into creative writing, that is why I joined the Story Is A State Of Mind school & community started by Sarah Selecky. Let’s see where it ends up…

DJ or photographer. I consider myself a creative person. Maybe not particularly talented in any artistical sense, but creative. I talk a lot, I have many good idea, I am curious and like exploring. When I was 14, I used to win many photography competitions and take really good pictures… I didn’t think that it is possible until it happened – it IS possible to lose a talent. Now I have to go into cooperations with other photographers (always genius: Ana Estrada, Bence Fejes, and one is to come soon) to provide good content for a blog.
I like good music too. A lot of Polish alternative, Swedish electronic, some indie… Apart from pop and latin music which I sing for fun, I would like to be skilled and talented enough to make my own music!

Restaurant manager. And finally the thing which all of us love – food. I do not work well enough under pressure to be a chef, but I would love to own a restaurant (small italian place in Rome? Coffeshop with pedigree food in Amsterdam?), manage it, take care of supplies and interior design, do selection of staff and guests… Just a little dream. Why not? I used to have a teacher on my Anatomy & Physiology course, he was (still is) Italian, spoke perfect Polish and apart from teaching at Medical University, owned an Italian restaurant and during his cigarette breaks was giving us recipes for tiramisu. Again – why not?

Dreams are as close as you keep them.

Depths of Internet vol.1

I am not The New York Times, but I have a taste.

Many of other bloggers I follow and respect, even look up to, have a custom to write from time to time a post collecting all the valuable content we can find among all the rubbish on the internet. I decided to do the same, as there are so many profound, or at least entertaining, things out there! And what can be more inspiring than other authors, artists, voices of the generation, online marketing experts, social media addicts who DO know how to do it?

First of all – the bloggers I follow.

One and only, genius red-head, 30 years old strong independent woman living in London. Infinite source of inspiration, good taste, psychology, big city lifestyle, career planning, reaching better and higher every day – Marta Kaczyńska RIENNAHERA (PL)

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My friend from uni, really smart and ambitious, one of the best students, fitness and sport junkie, vegetarian, life fighter, Polish Blair Waldorf, full of charm and class, on her journey to become a happier personPaulina Wyrwas PAULLAJNA (ENG)

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Super-tall basketball player, medicine student, friend of a friend of a friend, we met a couple of times on the parties in my hometown. I follow him for some years already, but didn’t have a chance to talk to him as a blogger yet. Very mature for his age. This guys helps me preserve the thought that there are still some young, decent, emotionally sensitive men out there – Adam Bartkiewicz (PL)

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But I am a lot into art too… Modern art museums are the only ones I visit while travelling, apart from wandering around and noticing street art.

Met this guy here, in India, and fell in love with his photographs, even if I really got to know him on his last evening in Manipal. He is still a source of pictures for my posts, with full credits of course. I wish I hadn’t dropped photography a few years back, and I really admire his talent – Bence Fejes

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A modern Indian guy I met on one of the parties in my hostel, when I sneaked into the boy’s floor… We talked a lot, he surprised me almost as much as I surprised him with my stories, gave me a lot of laughs too – Rumit Dalal

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For the last couple of days I really have life of a professional writer. I do not work, as my supervisor is on the sick leave, so I go for yoga at 7AM, come back having a healthy shake on my way home, take a nap or watch Netflix for an hour, do some writing, exchange emails, settle my life plans and little organisational issues, do shopping, do some more writing, meet friends for lunch, complete my duties outside, come back for yoga at 5pm, shower, go for dinners and parties. I do not think I could do it longterm – I am far too lazy, wouldn’t be able to motivate myself enough if permanently working from home. Plus I expect I am really far from making money on writing…

From all my notebooks

Sometimes when I am in rush (or drunk and not able to type) I tend to record voice messages to myself not to forget some important stories, facts, post ideas… And here I am, with tones of them on my phone, some notes in the calendar and in some apps on my phone… Time to write it down.

India can be compared to its most popular mix of spices – masala. Just because it is so desorganized and chaotic. But I can be called masala too with all my dreams, fears, anxieties, ideas and thoughts.

The only famous Polish person known by one British girl I’ve met in the hostel in Delhi was her housekeeper Magda.

Limbic resonance is the idea that the capacity for sharing deep emotional states arises from the limbic system of the brain. These states include the dopamine circuit-promoted feelings of empathic harmony, and the norepinephrine circuit-originated emotional states of fear, anxiety and anger. The concept was advanced in the book A General Theory of Love (2000), and is one of three interrelated concepts central to the book’s premise: that our brain chemistry and nervous systems are measurably affected by those closest to us (limbic resonance); that our systems synchronize with one another in a way that has profound implications for personality and lifelong emotional health (limbic regulation); and that these set patterns can be modified through therapeutic practice (limbic revision).

You cannot stay close to people with whom you feel small, paralyzed, weak and bad and constantly suppose that the other person is angry at you. True story.

Z: Well, try looking to the mirror and telling yourself that you are a great person every day.
T: I do it, especially after workout, which is quite obvious. I think I look different after excercise but obviously I don’t! Maybe after several weeks but not after one session.
Z: You mean like placebo? Like seeing what you want to see and kinda deceiving yourself?
T: Self-deceiving always works!


I miss Per. And Sven.

There are many lovely Polish expressions: fikuśny, klamoty, uciecha, zgrywus, urwis, dobre sobie, wystrychnąć na dudka, kuku na muniu, klawo, sprawunki, rubaszny, zafrapowany, perswaduję w twoje ręce, winszuję poznania, tak wszyscy lotota i lotota obyśta dobrze wylądowali.

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I still remember the Idle brewery in Jonkoping… And the lovely tattooed waitress… And that I wanted to start business with them: my drink – Cosmopolishtown – would be viral! Frozen raspberries, tonic and vodka.

Great ideas for my Bachelor thesis (why I already have such an ordinary topic?!): proportions of male muscles and other organs of a body, finding a therapy for spinal muscular atrophy type 1.

The old women use all those cream to be as expressive as the young ones, while the young ones want to be like the old ones (not me). Old women put the anti-wrinkles cream, young ones strong make-up. And the devices to maintain your body in good shape…

All the teenage mothers look old pretty soon. Like a stale loaf of bread with honey.

Zawsze uśmiechnięta buzia? To Zuzia, uroczy łobuziak.

Całe życie na przypale: albo grubo albo wcale.

Przebierać jak w ulęgołkach.

(c) Bence Fejes

I would prefer to be raised in a gay family, as an adopted child, or only with one parent than being raised between two people hating each other for 22 years of my life.

After one year since I had seen Ilario, which was Easter 2016, I was from 21 to almost 22 I feel less naive, slightly more mature, far more knowledgeable when it comes to school, a little more physically mature.

When I will be an adult and have money, I would like to open an agency looking for apartments and roommates for open-relationship, LGBT couples – open men and women willing to share a flat on free rules. 4 people for an apartment is a start.

September 2018 – Toscany Crazy-Amazing Wine Festival

The main reasons while I split up with my two serious boyfriends (not with the short-limited-term ones – two) is that they prefered to talk honestly by the text messages than face-to-face, which was impossible because – although I am a Millenial, Generation Y – my soul is in the nineties.

I honestly don’t know why I even went to the Vatican museum.

I would like to be the same age – 21 – with the same outside conditions, experience and life, but I would like to be 35 years and make it happen when Ilario was still 26.

I won’t reveal my current sex-bucket-list. Neither the one of things to do in Manipal.

I need to buy some more souvenirs from India.

So many things to Google. But… Do cows have memory?

I have started far too many tv series.

I have to finally push learning my German again!!! Ghrrr.


I am affraid of my life after coming back from India.

I do not need much software on my MacBook. That’s convenient, but I need to return it for service when I get back. IT’S F**KED UP.

I could study some humanistic major or courses, or start a different career even now. But why?

(c) Bence Fejes


Do something good every day

I was planning to write this post since one last Vilhelmsro party long time ago (already 2 months since I left JKPG?!) back in Sweden, but I realized that the moment of exceeding 6 000 individual readers and 300 likes on my Facebook fanpage (are you a fan yet?!) will be appropriate. Plus during summer and holiday season people are more warm-hearted…


Back in Sweden I have met a really interesting, intelligent, sexy and beautiful girl – Stella Barbieri-Schwaeble. Raised in UK by Italian mother and German father (or other way round?) Stella was one of the exchange student together with me during the Erasmus semester.

One night, on this more-less memorable party, Stella told me about the child of her best friend – little 7-months-old Ella.


Just in March this year Ella received the heartbreaking diagnosis of Spinal Muscular Atrophy, Type 1, which is so far an incurable condition and means that she may never be able to sit up right unsupported and may not reach her second birthday.

Parents Leah and Matt are motivated to do anything to make Ella’s life as comfortable as possible and to create beautiful memories as a family. Treatment is difficult to get in the UK but there may be some hope with some treatment in Paris that could help Ella, but this comes at the cost of £10,000. With parents being only 22 and 25 they do not have this money at hand. This is why a just giving page has been created to help them with some financial support for medical expenses and precious memories such as a family holiday for the three of them.

Please show some support by donating at little as £5 or even just sharing this post to help find more donors. 🙏🏻
Ellas just giving page can be found at

As soon as I heard the story, my heart was broken. Does god really exist? – I thought at that moment.

I know, I am also just a poor student, do not make my own money and do not have much experience, knowledge or network to help anyhow…

Stella is planning to pay for her explorer escapade to Mount Everest and find sponsors for Ella’s treatment. She is mostly likely to do it in September next year, when I – hopefully – will already find a job in Germany and will be able to help.

What can I do FOR NOW? As I like very much all the body modifications, I am dreaming of another couple of piercings since some time. I wanna get myself a septum – the one in a nose which is similar to those which cows wear. Additionally Stella has one too, and she looks gorgeous with it.

I was also thinking of getting a tragus and piercing my belly button one day. Maybe I could start a cooperation with my favorite tatto&piercing studio in my hometown Lodz – HARD TO FORGET – to get this money (and maybe money of some more customers?) donated for Ella? That would be awesome.

You guys know what to do. In the meantime I am departing today for another IAESTE trip to a mountain village called Coorg. See you after the weekend!

My religious background

For most of my life I was an atheist.

I was born and raised in Poland, which basically means that catholic religion was, is and will be the huge part of my cultural background, they are mostly blended together. My Mom is an atheist, my Father is pretty indifferent, I was baptized in the age of 4 just because my Grandparents forced my Parents to do it, promised to pay for everything, but ‘This child must be baptized’. Majority of my family is catholic or atheist, most of my friends are agnostic, I also know many Muslim and Hindu. Everyone agrees that people are nowadays getting less and less religious.

I used to attend religion classes (in Poland of course CATHOLIC religion, to option for world religions or ethics) until the age of 10, when we got a new nun teaching us and immediately disliked her.

I’ve done the sacrament of the first communion, though, but it was more for the family party and many gifts, and because all the other kids in school were going to do it. Not much religious value.

As I quitted religion classes at 4th grade, I haven’t done the third sacrament – confirmation, which means that I cannot marry in the church and I cannot become a Godmother.

I was already asked twice to do this sacrament, as both of my closest cousins have little kids, but I definitely refused. Being a GODmother is the last thing I should be. This person is supposed to help to raise the kid in the catholic religion, I am not able to do that. I can be an amazing auntie, though, buying them alcohol behind the back of their parents, doing the safe-sex-lectures and being there for them if they need to talk to an adult.

Milan 2014, when we were still a 4, not 3+3, we were young and innocent 😉

That is what I currently have with my 18yo cousin Marta, and I feel great with it. Well, I catch such situations like a magnet… I talk both to Marta and her Mom on equal level, not exchanging the information between them, of course. Here in India I also have such a Mom-Son couple – he confides in me (most of my Indian friends here are around 18-19 so I am able to advice them from the older sister perspective), his Mom whom I met in Mumbai and later in Manipal, told me things she has never told anyone before. And I am fine with it, I am there for all those people.

I was an atheist since I was aware of my religious consciousness. Parent of my childhood friends wanted to help, offered me to go to the church on Sundays with their families. I am always open, though. I tried to explore buddhism at some point of my life. I was in a one-year strong and solid, serious relationship with a Muslim guy and I dare to claim that I know Quran more than Bible. I never wanted to convert but he would prefer me being Christian than atheist. Anyway, we broke up more because of character than culture difference. He is still love of my life and the most noble person I know.

With the knowledge and experience I have now, I can openly say that I am not against any religion itself. They all – in more or less similar ways – aim at being a good person. Christianity and Islam are so similar in many aspects! I do not understand the huge conflict between them, neither the hate which started in Poland (maybe Europe?) after 2015 refugees crisis. I hope it has more economical than religious background!

I came to India with an open mind, didn’t really know what to expect. And now I do know. On my meditation classes I believed in something. After talking to people and visiting great temples, I can admit that I feel that Hinduism is made for me. That I wanna be a Hindu, finally have a path to follow. For now I will explore and learn as much as I can, when I come back to Poland I will become a Hindu on paper.

I am planning to co-write a huge text about Hinduism with my great Indian friend, and amazing blogger from M.A.D. – Manas (Ananas) Dresswalla (Swallalala!). Stay tuned!

Last night chat

– Many people are jealous of what you do now, Zuza!
– You think so? I just have here the school of living, experience, spirituality and personal development. And I have a lot of fun here. After two days in India I had such relationships with people like after two MONTHS on Erasmus. I think this tough conditions bring us closer together, physically and mentally.
– And what about your Bachelor thesis Master studies?
– I already know it 🙂 And the ideas for life.
– Congrats!
– Well, we girls just probably overthink much more than you.
– Maybe… Well, Zuza, we will meet in some years on the party in penhouse and we will talk about our careers!